Bitter-Sweet

Tuesday started like everyday. Rush....kids to school, pick up the sitter, race to the first appointment. Lily's follow-up. Wasn't suppose to be anything eventful.... Weigh-in again....anxiety hanging.... what would it be this time. 4 ounces..maybe more, hopefully more. Maybe she'd be 10lbs. That would be great. We'd celebrate. Yeah, maybe 10 lbs. I was running late as usual. Couldn't find parking. Finally, we get upstairs at the hospital. Breath...wait, read a bit of my book, stare at the wall. It's our turn, we get settled, sit down. I wait.....Yeah Lily's doing great. No new worries. "So," he says "we've heard back from Dr. Thompson, the geneticist."
It Stops...everything stops. Like that feelin when you forget for a minute what you came for in the first place. I wait....
"She believes that Elizabeth has a rare genetic syndrome." Elizabeth...who..oh right Lily. "It is called Cornelia de Lange Syndrome."
Silence
Wait...ok...what ...right..ok...they think they know what is going on.
"Cornelia de Lange...so tell me how is that sitting with you?"
Fine I say. Tears burning....wait....is that relief....no it can't be. I'm not relieved.
am I?
I wait for Him to say it again...and again. Can I remember the name. I need to....it is part of us now...it has been and I didn't realize.
Like that person you recognize.....you just don't know there name. But you know.

On the way home I play with it. On my tongue. Like candy, I say it...over and over. It starts to sound nice and I do feel relieved.
Then I remember that this is my baby. I want to spit it out, it's stuck on my tongue. It's sour...Cornelia de Lange...
But it's like coming home....
Like coming home to a messy house. It's yours...you recognize it. You dread it...but you know. It does feel right.
Maybe it is just the knowing.
It's....it's Bitter-sweet.