My Viking Child

Noah, my viking child, is nearing the end of his fantastic fours!
I am not ready for Noah to be five...Noah isn't ready either.

I'm not sure at what moment the viking entered. I wonder if it was because we made him come too soon. I wonder if he is still protesting. Making sure we know that this is his time. Now he gets to choose. May it was always there.

You know when vikings go to battle, they start with a terrible roar. They aim to terrify and intimidate their opponent. It starts deep within and tears out of their throats as their faces furrow and twist under the rage. Noah has mastered this.

WE ALL WANT TO RUN......FORGET THE FIGHT.

Noah doesn't enjoy school. He says, "I HATE School."
He says, "They'll force me to learn."
He says, "They'll force me to play the violin."
He says, "Mom, Why did you do this?"

The hardest thing is I know why I did it and I wish I wasn't still doing it.

One of the things that I love about my children is that they illuminate the things in my life that I need to look at, think on, pray on, possibly change. They show me the times that I am not living a life of charity.

Today I am sad that I am sending Noah to school. I am sad I sent my children to school. I often morn the innocence and virtue they lost. I celebrate the life lessons we have all learned. I pray for the day that we can home~educate again. I miss my kids and we all miss the peace in our home.

As for my viking, He will continue to rage....Not because he knows how to push my buttons.
Not because he knows I'll give in.
Not because he wants control.
He will rage from within and I pray that one day with maturity that same spirit will drive Him to rage for great good. I pray that His Battle Cry will lead many in a faithful defense in our dark world.
I look into my sweet Noah and I see unbridled passion that when perfected in Christ will do remarkable things.

I love you Noah, My Viking Child.

Taken~Blessed~Broken~Given

Today I am a pile of ashes.
Lord, you make beautiful things...from ashes.
Take me and make me beautiful.

Today I am not ready.
Lord, you promise every spiritual gift...everything we need.
Bless me with every grace necessary.

Today I am hurting.
Lord, you suffered everything that I have and more.
Break me into who you want me to be.

Today I am willing
Lord, you give yourself to us.
Give me too...any way you will...for your glory.

Heart Healing

I got to hold the heart! Her heart...and it changed a bit more of mine.

So many of us have broken hearts...wounded and damaged.
Some by relationships.
We weren't loved the way we needed...wanted. We were used or abused, dejected.
Some by sin.
We chose it...and we chose it again.
Some by things we can't express and don't understand.

But I met a heart healer. I met Him a long time ago.

But I didn't trust Him. I was too afraid to let go of my brokeness.
It was my heart and I thought I might loose it all together.

He was patient...and more patient.
I built a high wall
He used words I understood and waited for me to hear them.
I was deaf
He used people I didn't know well and others I've known forever.
I didn't trust
He waited on me.

He whispered and shouted.

One day I heard something beautiful....for just a moment...I could hear....He loves me....and it was heart healing.
I don't have to do anything...most days I can't.
I don't have to be anything...today I just am.
I don't have to have anything...I am just His.

He loves me and I am His.
Not what I have, Not what I do and Not what everyone says about me.
I am just His Beloved Child....He loves Me.

After that day...the day my heart started to heal, I got to hold a heart. It was a beautiful thing.

I felt her heart underneath my hand, burning and yearning. I remembered feeling that too.
We all burn and yearn for love.
I felt Him fill that emptiness...her heart....with love.
It healed a bit more of mine.

And I am so grateful.

Attitude of Gratitude

I have decided to commit to an attitude of gratitude.

In this battlefield of my mind I am constant;y struggling to gain holy ground. For years now I have been too quick to stumble into the hollow of negative space...self pity....despair.

So for today:

~Dr Suess Books

~Rainbows

~Kids laughing

~Applesauce

~3 loads of laundry done

1-5

This Week's Quote

"If you are discouraged it is a sign of pride because it shows that you trust in your own power. Your self-sufficiency, your selfishness and your intellectual pride will inhibit His coming to live in your heart because God cannot fill what is already full. It is as simple as that." ~Blessed Mother Theresa
Thank you Meg for sharing.

Life is Hard

Life is Hard!
Sometimes it seems impossible.
Then I remember that I'm still trying to do it on my own.
I refuse to walk the path of "self-will."
Lord, today it's all you....
I wait on you
your mercy
your will
and then with your grace
I feel peace.
I love you Lord!

A Sunny Day

Maura, larger than life and full of wonder.

Our very own Viking!

Gabe loves to build in the sand.

Oh how I love these sweet moments.

Beauty, what more can I say.

Sweet Sofia!

Lily you are a delight!

My Apologies

This goes out to the random woman at the commissary. I don't know your name or if I will run into you again. Although, you might just steer clear if you see me coming.
I'm sorry!
I'm sorry I wasn't prepared for your question. I am sorry I loaded your small question with all the baggage that I have been carrying around. I am sorry I expected the worst and didn't look into your face and know that you did not mean any harm. I am sorry that I was self-consumed and agitated and I let it all fall out at your feet.

I just didn't know that when you asked, "Did you have another baby?" You were not implying I shouldn't have. I know that you didn't know that sweet Lily looks so new even after a year of growing. It is still hard to believe that she is the same precious bundle that arrived over a year ago.
I know now that you didn't mean anything.....you just marveled at a beautiful baby....you just swooned and hoped that you and your husband could be blessed just one more time....
I wonder if I will be.....
I'm just sorry. I hope I won't make that mistake again. I hope you can have just one more. Even if, like you said, it takes a little convincing. I'll pray.
And for me...well I am just praying for grace and whatever that means.

I'm Fine

People ask me how I am all the time. I'm fine.

We all ask that of each other. For me, it has always been a ritualistic launching point for a brief exchange or a long conversation. Not lately.

How I am carries different meaning. How I am is relative, more real. Most people don't really want to know. They walk up innocently, ready for the familiar duet, expecting to hear that I'm fine. But lately, I'm anything but fine. What is fine anyway?
Volatile...that sounds closer.
Do get me wrong. Sometimes everything comes together and things move along...the day passes. A few days pass. Then there are the bad days.
Usually I bite my lips...literally. It's easier to swallow hard...force back the tears. Cry it out in the car, a pillow.
I'm overwhelmed, there isn't a solution, it isn't o.k.
Please don't say God knew I could handle it.
I use to live blissfully unaware of what it's really like for a mom with a disabled child. I knew that it would never be me.
You don't know what it's like. Neither do I.
My baby doesn't have the flu. There isn't a quick fix. There isn't a fix. I don't want one.

Appointments, laundry, carpool, dinner, scouts, piano, meetings.....I know you have them too.
Last week she said to ask for help. I don't know how to help myself....how can I ask you for it. Everyone loves an emergency. I'm not judging...I've always loved the adrenaline rush too. I have felt the thrill of rescuing a needy family in crisis.
But no one wants to climb in the mud with you. Not every day...that's too much...too long. No one wants to clean your bathroom, or your laundry. No one wants to be patient with your unruly toddlers. No one wants to....be too involved.

But today, I still said I was fine. I bit my lips. I made you feel better. I played the part. What else can I do.

Means

When you're little you dream of being big.
the future...what will you be...what will you do...where will you go

I've been...done...gone
lots

But, now I know
everything...the being...the doing...the going
is just a way to the means

for Today means = patience

First Day

Each day provides challenges...joys...pains...frustrations...opportunities...

Lately they seem different. I feel angry when it's bedtime. I didn't get it done, anything done...

Tomorrow is the first day

the First Day of the rest of my life

it's gonna be alright.

That's Not Our Story

Over the past week, I've been pouring over blogs and stories of families of children diagnosed with CDLS. Each of them unique and touching....

It's impossible to control the stream of thoughts and feelings that pour through your mind,
your heart. It's hard not to let fear rule your vision of the future.

But I just remind myself....That's Not Our Story.

We have a story...

It started a long time ago...

One day, maybe, I'll be brave enough to tell it.

Identity Crisis

My pregnancy with Lily was hard...different from the others...from the very beginning. I remember the day someone suggested that I was having a hard time because I was having an identity crisis. Maybe, I was struggling with the my role-being a mom, a wife. Maybe my life wasn't what I thought it would be. She said, having an identity crisis was good, normal, part of accepting where we are and understanding ourselves.
I didn't need to look inside of my belly button to solve my identity crisis. I didn't bother to mention that I day-dreamed about being barefoot and pregnant when I was little. (Of course no one is barefoot and pregnant in Yorkshire.) I didn't bother to say your wrong. Sometimes I just let people believe what they want...even when their wrong.
Because the only identity crisis I can understand is the one I have every time I look at the cross. I just can't wrap my mind around that much love.
Yes, sometimes I think it could be called an identity crisis. But it has nothing to do with my babies...nothing to do with Brian. It has everything to do with my Lord. I just wonder what I did right that He would want to be identified with me.
But then, that is not a crisis, just a beautiful mystery.

Bitter-Sweet

Tuesday started like everyday. Rush....kids to school, pick up the sitter, race to the first appointment. Lily's follow-up. Wasn't suppose to be anything eventful.... Weigh-in again....anxiety hanging.... what would it be this time. 4 ounces..maybe more, hopefully more. Maybe she'd be 10lbs. That would be great. We'd celebrate. Yeah, maybe 10 lbs. I was running late as usual. Couldn't find parking. Finally, we get upstairs at the hospital. Breath...wait, read a bit of my book, stare at the wall. It's our turn, we get settled, sit down. I wait.....Yeah Lily's doing great. No new worries. "So," he says "we've heard back from Dr. Thompson, the geneticist."
It Stops...everything stops. Like that feelin when you forget for a minute what you came for in the first place. I wait....
"She believes that Elizabeth has a rare genetic syndrome." Elizabeth...who..oh right Lily. "It is called Cornelia de Lange Syndrome."
Silence
Wait...ok...what ...right..ok...they think they know what is going on.
"Cornelia de Lange...so tell me how is that sitting with you?"
Fine I say. Tears burning....wait....is that relief....no it can't be. I'm not relieved.
am I?
I wait for Him to say it again...and again. Can I remember the name. I need to....it is part of us now...it has been and I didn't realize.
Like that person you recognize.....you just don't know there name. But you know.

On the way home I play with it. On my tongue. Like candy, I say it...over and over. It starts to sound nice and I do feel relieved.
Then I remember that this is my baby. I want to spit it out, it's stuck on my tongue. It's sour...Cornelia de Lange...
But it's like coming home....
Like coming home to a messy house. It's yours...you recognize it. You dread it...but you know. It does feel right.
Maybe it is just the knowing.
It's....it's Bitter-sweet.